Single Parents - self-care when you need it
Photo: Juliane Liebermann
This is for all the single parents out there.
I know. Me too!
It doesn’t matter why you’re single, or whether you are mum or dad. Being a single parent is tough. Even when everything is going really well, life is good and the kids are happy, it’s tough.
Many of us are stay at home parents right now too, which offers its own challenges, especially for anyone who’s not used to it. It gives a whole new meaning to 24/7, doesn’t it?
So, what’s my advice to you – one single parent to another? What tools can I offer you to help you keep hold of even just a little something of yourself for yourself?
When my boys were small, I would use the window at the end of our little kitchen to have a quick cigarette. Three or four times a day, or more. If we went out for walks, I could smoke then too. It was something I looked forward to and, on reflection, it was just about the only me time I ever got. For years. These were snatched moments in my day when I did something (albeit unhealthy) for myself.
I am not recommending you start smoking! Or take to drink, chocolate or sticky buns. (Been there, done that, got the larger-size t-shirt…)
And I was lucky. I had supportive people around and we always managed to live in lovely rural areas where we could walk the dog and sit in relative peace in our garden. Life was pretty good.
The problem for single parents is the relentless nature of children. They are so wonderfully full of life – enthusiastic in every moment to be doing something, exploring somewhere, making new connections. Put two or more together in your home and each day can seem like an endless whirl of energy, picking you up and carrying you along, only to dump you down on the sofa, exhausted at the end.
Here are two simple things you can do to save a little energy and time for yourself. Really. It is possible…
Play
Do your children ask you to play with them? Perhaps they’re bored and keep nagging you for activities. Has play just become a chore – a forced activity that has to be done because you’re a parent now? Do you find yourself getting frustrated when they don’t engage with what you suggest? (Or maybe it’s the other way around…)
Take even just five minutes to get onto their level and see if you can remember the joyfulness of just being in the moment. Watch them play, if you can. Observe. Is it the activity that interests them or the end result? Let them lead any play – don’t keep suggesting or directing. Let go of control. Reconnecting to that easy feeling of flow you had in childhood is energising in itself. Try it.
When we truly play, our being feels pleasure and releases tension. We produce oxytocin and begin to feel more relaxed (the feeling we’re trying to get from the cigarettes, alcohol and chocolate). Just five minutes, once a day, can make so much difference.
But stay in play as long as you have time and headspace for it. Don’t force it. And please take note: this is not teaching time! You don’t have to be always teaching, educating, explaining to your children. All your children want from you in play, is you – one-to-one when possible. The best learning comes from experience and experiments created by the children themselves. Trust them to know what they want to find out.
In the case of boredom or frustration, a soothing and inventive way of helping is to start your own play. Something that interests you. If you’re out in the garden, perhaps there are sticks or leaves lying around that you could create something with. A pattern, a structure. Let your imagination decide.
If it’s windy, what can you do with that? There’s no need to involve anyone else. When your children see you, they may decide to copy you, or talk to you about what you’re doing. They might come up with their own version or feel inspired. In the moment, you make a meaningful connection between you and everyone feels better.
Rest
Applying some kind of rhythm to your day really helps you get the rest you need. Rest can mean anything from sitting quietly for five minutes to having a lie down. The best piece of advice my mother ever gave me when my children were small was to have a rest every afternoon. It is possible.
For me, it was particularly important once I had three children. They were up early, I stayed up late to enjoy the peace and quiet of the night. I would get a big dip in energy mid-afternoon, when the prospect of tea and the bedtime routine would be looming ahead.
I kept an eye on the time and everyone’s energy levels. By about 3.30pm we’d all start to slow down. I would lie on the sofa, letting my children know that it was time for me to have a rest. I used to call it quiet time. If one of them was really tired, they’d crawl on top of me and snuggle down. Otherwise, play could continue, but it needed to be quiet or in another room. It wasn’t long before they got used to this idea and I learned to shut my eyes, rest quietly and enjoy the sounds of them playing. It’s become a lovely memory for me.
This was my version of taking care of myself. The smoking came and went, as did the chocolate, alcohol and a strange addiction to rice cakes! I didn’t get it all right or find it easy. But that small rest every afternoon gave me the possibility of getting to the end of the day in one piece and that, or your version of it, could do the same for you.
If your kids are older, sit them down and talk about what both their and your needs are. It’s not ever too early for them to learn that you have needs too. Explain that you are a much better mum or dad when you’re not exhausted. Help them to understand how much you love them but that you get grumpy when you’re tired. Ask them for their help and let them see you taking care of yourself. After all, if we want to teach them anything, it’s that looking after yourself – protecting your physical and mental health – is the most important thing you can ever do.